Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
