i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
