Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
