Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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