seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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