No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
