I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
