She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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