shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
