it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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