Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
