I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize