they need to just BURY HIM!
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
