Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
