i came on her dog
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
