Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
