Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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