Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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