were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
