Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I have feelings that need drinking.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
