I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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