i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
