Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
