My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
