i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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