I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
