don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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