My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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