im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
