Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
