So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
