I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
My bed smells like the plague
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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