why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
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My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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