"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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