I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
