i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
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Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
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He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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