If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
