He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
