Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
