I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
