She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Randomize
