whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
