Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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