life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
