I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
