your room smells of hookers.
And success
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
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