Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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