you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I met the friendliest cop last night
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
