he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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