If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
