i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
