You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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