my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
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