They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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