I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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