He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
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