they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
soo... how was my night?
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