he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
