I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Too much gin, very little bucket
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
