The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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