Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
