I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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