So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
